It is with great regret that I inform anyone who gives a toss about my opinion on anything (let alone movies)… that Prometheus, the movie I waited for with great enthusiasm, has turned out to be spectacularly MEH.

Starts off really well, all full of anticipation, in almost 2001-esque overtones… I was so excited I even curled my feet under me in the movie theatre seat, all popcorn-guzzling and bug-eyed and pre-luxuriating in the awesomeness that was SURE to follow, right? Except that in the end, nothing actually happens. I mean things do happen, but in the FLAT-est way possible.

Prometheus trots out the most dimensionally-challenged characters ever to populate a storyline (such as that was). The crew – I can’t even call them that, they had absolutely ZERO synergy/chemistry. Idris Elba as the captain is just sooooo painful to watch you will wince each time he does or says (or God help us, sings) anything. To the point where, by the time a trio of these cardboard cut-outs self-sacrifice at the end, you just. don’t. GIVE a toss. It’s so unrealistic… even the banter on the way to certain death is like, come ON. Even Charlize Thieron seems slightly embarrassed about how pointless her own character is. And don’t don’t get me started on the IRRITATINGLY smug android. Although – and to show how weak the character development is – he manages to outshine the humans in terms of presence alone. If the humes had brought it, I wouldn’t have minded so much. But no – this utter prick was THE interest-generating beacon.

Then there is the matter of the aliens – I don’t recall what they were called (heck, were they even given a name?)… As to what it was they were doing there, and the state they were in, even the expositions via dialogue never quite cleared up the mud for me. First off, the characters seemed to have leapt to the conclusion that ‘They made us’… and I’m like, err… based on… what facts, exactly? Some graphics of DNA matches with humans later, and we’re supposed to make our peace with that? Maybe we made them and don’t remember? Maybe someone/something else made us both? Pretty shoddy scientists on-board, if you ask me. The second incredible leap of faith was the idea that they liked us at one point in time and were now hell-bent on destroying us. Again, I think I must’ve snoozed during the explanation of that. An explanation would have filled out the anemic plot quite nicely, but methinks they chose to palm it off to a sequel.

Last but not least is the ‘Alien’ itself, of prior movie franchise fame, that seems to be plaguing these aliens. I haven’t sunk my teeth into the Alien movies (one of those things I keep seeing snatches of but never sit down to take in the whole thing from beginning to end)… but I have problems with the lifecycle of this thing. So okay… Disgusting eel/worm/snake thing is what – phase one? Then…. defying all known morphogenetic rules (but hey, their alien, right) they sprout enough appendages to become – get this – cephalopod. Err… Okaaaaayyy… then – and I’m not sure what triggers this – we have the familiar ‘Alien’ form at the end? This is when you put down the popcorn cos there’s not enough fake butter to disguise how crap it is.

Harsh? Perhaps. It’s really tough to wow a crowd these days. So I would like to end with some good things: nice effects, still manages to be a fun, “don’t think too much” sort of movie. I still think the score/music was good. But I’m sorry to say, that’s about it. 🙁

Wee update
Also Also: euro-male-centric creation myths – yay what fun. Now can we try something else? Just for shizzles? It woulda kicked more ass if (for example) 2 Engineers (I have been reminded what the frakk they were called) kicked shit off on earth: Like, a Girl engineer and a Boy engineer? As it stands, nobody knows what their women looked like. I suppose we’re supposed to presume that Earth evolved the X chromosome all by its self.

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